Thursday, July 5, 2012

July 6th 2010

this is the first time i've been alone during the Fourth of July week. last year, i was at camp distracted by an amazing group of fifth and sixth grade campers and finally concurring the disco grove ropes course. the year before that, i was also at camp surrounded by a support system of new friends and campers, keeping myself busy so that i could bury my feelings and avoid the fact that my grandpa had just died. but this year...this year i'm in redding with not much to do except bake pies. often times, i find myself thinking about my grandpa while i'm rolling out crusts or mixing the dough; my job is sometimes mindless, which leaves me alone with my thoughts. on top of that, my roommate has been gone this week visiting her brother, so i have little distraction at home. for the first time, the thought that i'd never see Grandpa again, that i'd never hug him again, that i'd never get to sing the doxology with him again (at least not on this earth) -- it's all finally hitting me...

my grandparents have taught me a lot about what it means to be strong. when i lived with them in the first grade, i remember kneeling by Teddy's bed to pray with my grandma and grandpa before we went to sleep. Grandpa would always pray the longest, praying for the missionaries our church supported, for friends who were sick, for people who didn't know Jesus, and most importantly for his family. he taught me to be neat and organized, how to fold my clothes and make my bed without any wrinkles. he taught me the importance of hard work and efficiency without compromising quality. he taught me how to plant flowers and rake leaves with a joyful spirit even if i get sunburned. he taught me that when i fall down, i just need to get up and "rub a little dirt in it" because i'll be okay. when people were rude, he taught me to be kind and polite to everyone without letting them take advantage of me. when challenges arose, he taught me how to be loyal to those that i love even when i don't feel like it. most importantly, he taught me to always wear a smile because God has blessed me way beyond anything i could ever earn and if i asked Him, He would bless me even more!

i miss him so much,
and sometimes i wonder if loving someone is worth the pain that results in losing them...


it is.

it truly, truly is.