Saturday, April 14, 2012

i should be outside right now

in one of my classes, my professor decided to make everything due at the end of the year allowing us time to complete them at our leisure...unfortunately since i had so many other things due all the time, i put off this batch of homework. i wasn't originally planning on putting it off until the weekend before, in fact, i was planning on getting it all done over spring break, but when my plans for spring break changed, i ended up not getting any of it done. then, i was going to get it done over Easter weekend, but my plans changed at the last minute again...so here i am, the weekend before it's due and do you know what i'm doing??? i'm in the library on a perfectly lovely day wishing that i could be outside having a picnic or at the sundial skipping rocks or at Lima Ranch walking the trails. oh well, just two more weeks and then all i've all the time in the world to be outside, unless of course i get a job...which would be preferable haha

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

sitting on the couch

sitting on the couch staring at the coffee in my hand
people swirling around me
laughing, talking, loving each other.
(we watched family videos last night
-- ones that showed a little bit into what they were like as kids --
and how they loved them...
it was beautiful and i started crying.)
this feeling in my heart this terrible

terrible feeling as though i will perpetually only be everyone's friend -- someone moving through time and space day after day here i am sitting on the couch and in a moment i will still be there
sitting, breathing, drinking, listening all the while
and then tomorrow who knows what i'll be doing
perhaps i'll still be there on the couch sipping, breathing, listening, staring
this feeling of uncertainty -- of just waiting for the next moment
                 of being somewhere and constantly aware that i am simply
waiting
for the next moment, the next thing.
does this moment matter? is it important? maybe but most likely not
in this moment do i matter? would this moment be different if i were somewhere else with someone else or not even existing?
because that is all i feel like i'm doing!!! existing.
being, sitting, sipping, breathing, staring
on the couch
while people whirl around me
loving each other and knowing them through and through
(or at least knowing them so much fuller than anyone will ever know me)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

and the job search continues

last week, just hours after my last post, i received an email from Macy's requesting an interview for a flex team position. i was so excited and extremely nervous because i hadn't had a professional interview for something in a really long time. i've interviewed for camps, but that was always on the phone. i've interviewed for residence life, but they already knew me. this would be the first time in over four years that i would have a face-to-face professional interview with a stranger. the night before the big day it hit me: i didn't have anything to wear! Camille and i went scouring through my closet tearing out shirt after shirt to see if any of them would say "i am fashionable and professional all on my own because i definitely did not borrow these clothes and if you ask me where i got them i would definitely not say walmart" not that i buy clothes at walmart...or even that that is a bad thing...but alas all we could find was the same outfit that i wear for every single "look professional" type of event. i tried to get her to let me borrow her heels but she said my pants were to short and would definitely send them the message that "i don't own a proper pair of heels because the only pair i have are strappy and from my eighth grade graduation so i had to borrow my much more sophisticated and shorter friend's shoes" so instead i wore her yellow flats from target. but the winner of my outfit was my coral trench coat from H&M which of course was the first thing the interviewer noticed and she loved it...or at least she said she did.

well as i waited to hear from Macy's, i continued applying for other positions. today, i applied to pizza hut and two more nanny positions which puts my applications at 22. a few hours later and i received a text message from the nanny job site that i use saying that i received a message from one of the families i applied  to! i went on half expecting it to be a message telling me that they already filled the spot only to find a request for a phone interview! i was so excited that i played the song "i wanna have your babies" by natasha bedingfield and danced around in the lobby while Amy and Rachel starred and laughed. then after realizing that my song choice was a little weird, i decided to play "pocketful of sunshine" especially since i'm not interested in having anyone's babies especially not anytime soon haha but who knows, i might be taking care of some this summer