Thursday, July 5, 2012

July 6th 2010

this is the first time i've been alone during the Fourth of July week. last year, i was at camp distracted by an amazing group of fifth and sixth grade campers and finally concurring the disco grove ropes course. the year before that, i was also at camp surrounded by a support system of new friends and campers, keeping myself busy so that i could bury my feelings and avoid the fact that my grandpa had just died. but this year...this year i'm in redding with not much to do except bake pies. often times, i find myself thinking about my grandpa while i'm rolling out crusts or mixing the dough; my job is sometimes mindless, which leaves me alone with my thoughts. on top of that, my roommate has been gone this week visiting her brother, so i have little distraction at home. for the first time, the thought that i'd never see Grandpa again, that i'd never hug him again, that i'd never get to sing the doxology with him again (at least not on this earth) -- it's all finally hitting me...

my grandparents have taught me a lot about what it means to be strong. when i lived with them in the first grade, i remember kneeling by Teddy's bed to pray with my grandma and grandpa before we went to sleep. Grandpa would always pray the longest, praying for the missionaries our church supported, for friends who were sick, for people who didn't know Jesus, and most importantly for his family. he taught me to be neat and organized, how to fold my clothes and make my bed without any wrinkles. he taught me the importance of hard work and efficiency without compromising quality. he taught me how to plant flowers and rake leaves with a joyful spirit even if i get sunburned. he taught me that when i fall down, i just need to get up and "rub a little dirt in it" because i'll be okay. when people were rude, he taught me to be kind and polite to everyone without letting them take advantage of me. when challenges arose, he taught me how to be loyal to those that i love even when i don't feel like it. most importantly, he taught me to always wear a smile because God has blessed me way beyond anything i could ever earn and if i asked Him, He would bless me even more!

i miss him so much,
and sometimes i wonder if loving someone is worth the pain that results in losing them...

it is.

it truly, truly is.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

glowing mason jars

i've seen a lot of pictures recently of people either buying solar lights, taking them apart, and using them in mason jars, or people using twinkle lights to light up their jars. i've always loved the look of mason jars as lighting, but both of those options would mean me putting out some money in order to make them look good; so instead, i decided to look through my craft box. under the paper flowers and bottles of glitter, i found a bottle of glow-in-the-dark paint. hmmmm....

mason jars
glow-in-the-dark paint
strips of fabric
burlap and lace

the result: low cost lighting

first: take clean mason jars of varying sizes and designs.
using a typical paint brush, paint the inside of the jars with glow-in-the-dark paint.
for best results, use more paint on the bottom and gradually use less and less as you paint up the sides of the jar.

next: use scraps of fabric, twine, burlap, and lace to decorate the jars. i often like to mix the textures of burlap and lace.

you can choose to give the jars a colored tint using food coloring and mod podge on the outside of the jars. the tinting won't really change the glow, but will give the jar a cool color during the day.

then you just set them outside, let them soak in some light, and wait for it to get dark.
sorry, i don't have a good picture of them camera isn't that great.

inconsistancy: theme of my life right now

alright, so i haven't been doing the best job at posting much this summer, mostly because i've been doing a lot of writing on the side. i know i know, why aren't i sharing it??? well mostly because i'm not ready yet, but someday in the future (whether that be in the next few month or in the next few years) i will be ready to share it, and it will be a wonderfully healing experience for hopefully not just me (but if it is only for me, that would be ok too i guess). anyway, with that in mind, my blog might be all over the place the next couple months. sometimes, there might be posts that make a lot of sense and are thought provoking. other times, there will be post, like this one, that you have to chew on and squint at in order to understand what i'm saying not because it's profound (that rarely happens) but because it's poorly written. hopefully most of the time, there will be posts like the next one about crafty things i'm doing or yummy things i'm eating. goes.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

trying to convince my emotions...

this summer feels like it's going by so slow; i mean so much has happened that i feel like it should be at the very least half over, but honestly, it's just beginning. i guess i should be excited knowing that although this past month and a half has been full of crazy surprises, wonderful accomplishments, and weird changes, and that i still have two and a half months left to go; who knows what wonderfully crazy weird things are going to happen then!? but recently, i've been missing the familiarity of knowing exactly what summer is going to look like before it ever happens. i mean obviously at camp i was continually surprised by what God was teaching me and my campers, but for the most part, i felt like i knew how He was teaching me: through speakers, campers, fellow counselors. now it's all up in the air, i'm still growing through the influence of my friends and my church, but also through not knowing what's coming next. i have been surprised more and more by the ways in which God has empowered me this summer to truly trust in Him and gain confidence in His protection and my abilities. as much as i miss camp...i know i'm exactly where God wants me to be.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

i love that lamp!

i walk in the door and everything looks exactly the same. the lounge chair to the left of the entryway, my two favorite antique lamps sitting on either side and the same grey blue blanket covering up the stains from years of eating dinner in front of the television. the china cabinet in the corner holding all the same tea cups and trinkets on the shelves with an extra layer of dust. on the wall hang my great grandmother's acrylic paintings of seasides framed by thick large frames with intricate twisting patterns painted gold and silver to look like fancy metal. the smallest one is my favorite; white blue waves crash up against the rocks in the golden sunlight of the sunrise. i think it's my favorite because of the promise in the waves; they look so young, if that is possible, with the morning barely dawning the day so new and golden with hope. i love the sunrise and i love the ocean. i also really love flowers, those are probably the only thing that has changed; though not much. my uncle plants new vegetables and flowers in his garden every spring; so since they are always new, they haven't really changed either. one thing did change: my room. the ceiling had caved in or something like that in one of the corners so everything is all moved around and piled on top of each other. i can barely walk in it, which is fine, but at the same time, i don't know where anything is and can't get to the things i really wanted to take home with me. i guess that's why i feel so weird. nothing has changed, and yet, everything has changed. i don't live here any more. i haven't lived here for two years. i'm older, more mature, independent; and although i still look pretty much the same, there is a new feeling within me, one that tells me every second that i am not the person i once was -- but this place, my surroundings, they're trying to tell me that that feeling is a lie, that i haven't changed at all, just as it hasn't changed. then i walk into my room, everything in disarray (much like my life in this season), and i am reassured that i have grown.

Monday, May 7, 2012


i moved in to my new home last tuesday, and as of tomorrow i will have been its resident for a full week. so far, i enjoy the changes. the room feels bigger because of its layout and sitting outside has become my new favorite pass time. i've conjured up so many ideas of how to make this new space feel more and more like home for Camille and i. most recently, i've decided to start a small garden outside our window with sunflowers and african gerber daisies growing inside a pyramid of cinder blocks. unfortunately the cinder blocks that used to be outside in the parking lot have disappeared...but hopefully i'll find some on the side of the road or something otherwise i have no idea where to get some. i have also thought about making a garden out of a pallet; though, the same problem arises: i have no idea where i'd get a pallet from! well, i'll keep looking and keep you updated because there's no way i'm giving up on having a garden.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

move in day

last night was my first night in my new home. i will be living in one room for a full year! weird. after a wonderful, amazing, challenging school year the time finally came to move into measell; luckily, Camille and i were placed in the same room that we will be in for the next school year as well as this summer, which means that we won't have to move again until next may! i have a couple of battle scars and bruises from moving things back and forth and trying to get all my cleaning done; but, with Leeza and Edgar's help, everything got moved without breaking a single glass jar or losing any clothes.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

i should be outside right now

in one of my classes, my professor decided to make everything due at the end of the year allowing us time to complete them at our leisure...unfortunately since i had so many other things due all the time, i put off this batch of homework. i wasn't originally planning on putting it off until the weekend before, in fact, i was planning on getting it all done over spring break, but when my plans for spring break changed, i ended up not getting any of it done. then, i was going to get it done over Easter weekend, but my plans changed at the last minute here i am, the weekend before it's due and do you know what i'm doing??? i'm in the library on a perfectly lovely day wishing that i could be outside having a picnic or at the sundial skipping rocks or at Lima Ranch walking the trails. oh well, just two more weeks and then all i've all the time in the world to be outside, unless of course i get a job...which would be preferable haha

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

sitting on the couch

sitting on the couch staring at the coffee in my hand
people swirling around me
laughing, talking, loving each other.
(we watched family videos last night
-- ones that showed a little bit into what they were like as kids --
and how they loved them...
it was beautiful and i started crying.)
this feeling in my heart this terrible

terrible feeling as though i will perpetually only be everyone's friend -- someone moving through time and space day after day here i am sitting on the couch and in a moment i will still be there
sitting, breathing, drinking, listening all the while
and then tomorrow who knows what i'll be doing
perhaps i'll still be there on the couch sipping, breathing, listening, staring
this feeling of uncertainty -- of just waiting for the next moment
                 of being somewhere and constantly aware that i am simply
for the next moment, the next thing.
does this moment matter? is it important? maybe but most likely not
in this moment do i matter? would this moment be different if i were somewhere else with someone else or not even existing?
because that is all i feel like i'm doing!!! existing.
being, sitting, sipping, breathing, staring
on the couch
while people whirl around me
loving each other and knowing them through and through
(or at least knowing them so much fuller than anyone will ever know me)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

and the job search continues

last week, just hours after my last post, i received an email from Macy's requesting an interview for a flex team position. i was so excited and extremely nervous because i hadn't had a professional interview for something in a really long time. i've interviewed for camps, but that was always on the phone. i've interviewed for residence life, but they already knew me. this would be the first time in over four years that i would have a face-to-face professional interview with a stranger. the night before the big day it hit me: i didn't have anything to wear! Camille and i went scouring through my closet tearing out shirt after shirt to see if any of them would say "i am fashionable and professional all on my own because i definitely did not borrow these clothes and if you ask me where i got them i would definitely not say walmart" not that i buy clothes at walmart...or even that that is a bad thing...but alas all we could find was the same outfit that i wear for every single "look professional" type of event. i tried to get her to let me borrow her heels but she said my pants were to short and would definitely send them the message that "i don't own a proper pair of heels because the only pair i have are strappy and from my eighth grade graduation so i had to borrow my much more sophisticated and shorter friend's shoes" so instead i wore her yellow flats from target. but the winner of my outfit was my coral trench coat from H&M which of course was the first thing the interviewer noticed and she loved it...or at least she said she did.

well as i waited to hear from Macy's, i continued applying for other positions. today, i applied to pizza hut and two more nanny positions which puts my applications at 22. a few hours later and i received a text message from the nanny job site that i use saying that i received a message from one of the families i applied  to! i went on half expecting it to be a message telling me that they already filled the spot only to find a request for a phone interview! i was so excited that i played the song "i wanna have your babies" by natasha bedingfield and danced around in the lobby while Amy and Rachel starred and laughed. then after realizing that my song choice was a little weird, i decided to play "pocketful of sunshine" especially since i'm not interested in having anyone's babies especially not anytime soon haha but who knows, i might be taking care of some this summer

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

spring break 2012 is a bit stressful

it's been spring break this week and all i've been doing is sleeping and filling out job applications. i've applied for 19 different jobs and still have apps to go. everyone's asking what i'm doing this summer, and honestly, i have no idea. whatever happened to the days when i knew exactly what i was doing and it was no big i have no clue...who knows i might end up living in my car this summer haha that would be an adventure. at least i have everything lined up for next school year.

i'm not going to lie, it's been both difficult and easy to rely on God in all this...i know that seem like it can't be true (i guess intro to sociology has changed the way i think about life haha) but when i think about this summer and staying in redding, i have such peace -- i know this is where i'm supposed to be...being here -- this is part of my the same time, however, i have no idea how i'm going to pay to live on campus or even if i can live on campus, i don't know where i'm going to work or what kind of hours i'll receive, but i know it will be good because i know my God is good and what more can i ask for

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

sometimes it's hard to let go

my brokenness has overtaken me
it has creeped out from it's hiding place in the shadows of my heart
slapped me in the face.
each sting reminds me:
         i am human
         i can't even breathe on my own
         i need a Savior
         i need healing

there is something strangely liberating about admitting that i am broken --
like a weight is released and i am free to let God remold me,
shape me.
then i can dream even bigger than now
then i can live dangerously.
but wait,
why not now?
does not what is sown in weakness get raised in power?
i will dream now
i will dream of a day that i will no longer live from my love of life,
but that i will live from the vision of the new Heaven
a day when all my soul does is praise the Lord
as long as i shall live
as long as i shall live
He's a great God

allusions to a Prayer of Sir Francis Drake
and the song "Praise the Lord" by Kristine Mueller

Monday, February 27, 2012


today, i saw a hero of mine cry

she cried not for her self,
for her own pain or loss,
but for the pain of the oppressed,
those who deserve respect, but instead received

listen to their stories

Monday, February 20, 2012

screaming at starbucks

yesterday, i came back from a really wonderful and relaxing retreat set up for the residence life family. we got so much rest and were challenged by Derick Fleck from the Stirring to change the way we lived from "doing things because that's what we do" to "doing things because of who we are." the premise was that once we began to live out of who God says we are, then we shouldn't be getting burnt out and exhausted.

when we returned i was hoping that the weekend would continue to remain relaxing and quiet. which it was...until Camille and i decided to go to starbucks. the Cypress starbucks was too cold so we went to the one on market. as we pulled into the parking lot and took the last open spot, we knew it was packed inside. when we walked in, only two seats were free at the far end of a long communal table. Camille had forgotten something out in the car and while she was getting it, a creepy man dressed in all black leather with dark sunglasses and a scruffy beard came up to me and tried to sit in the chair i was saving for Camille. i stared at him for a while and tried to speak words, but nothing came out of my mouth. finally right as he was about to sit i spit out "someone's sitting there!"  he straightened up, looked sharply at my face and murmured "oh really? we'll they must be invisible" before he sauntered away.

we finally settled in to doing our work and tuning out the conversations around us when a woman walked in with four young children all under the age of 10. she approached the counter and her children suddenly erupted in whining and begging tears streaming down their faces. the woman simply shooshed them as they grew louder and louder until their whining became screaming and their begging became demanding. conversations ceased and people began to stare and laugh and whisper. i'm not going to lie, i was quite annoyed with the woman for not quieting her children, but after a while i began to feel bad for her. she probably just thought she'd get to stop by for a quick cup of coffee while she was out with her kids not expecting her little ones to freak out! i'm sure she was embarrassed as people began to get up and leave. they were only here for fewer than 10 minutes, but their yelling caused a distinct pounding in my head. once they finally left, Camille and i looked around the coffee shop...half the people were gone leaving us with a quieter working space. i guess there are some benefits of screaming children.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

name change

sometimes we are given things that we just aren't sure what to do with. you know, things that seem old and ugly or odd. take working with burlap for example. it's a tough fabric to tackle (if it can even be called a fabric). i mean, come on, it sheds like a mangy dog, and unless you know a few tricks, it seems impossible to cut in a straight line. then there is lace. sometimes, it can be really beautiful and elegant, but it is often hard to figure out what to do with it or where to put seems too fancy for casual use, but too old fashion for the "fancy" of our day. sometimes the lace is down right ancient, all yellowy and stiff, but it's what you've been given to work with. so what do you do? do you leave it as it is? do you complain and wish for it to change? or perhaps you take what has come to you and you tweak it and change it until the beauty of it all explodes from its tiny little fibers and makes something new

this is my life

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

my recent affinity for the library

the past couple weeks have been so busy that i've simply been dealing with assignments as they are due. unfortunately this has meant that i am stuck in the library every day this week working on a five page APA style paper for my multicultural psychology class that is due this thursday. so far the library seems to be the only place where i can truly focus.

keeping motivated with mortimer at the library
today i thought i could study in my room, but that would require cleaning up my clothing...i could sit in my lobby, but i would just want to talk to everyone...i could go to Starbucks, but recently their door hasn't been shutting all the way making it a bit chilly in naturally i end up in the library again with my little buddy mortimer and some goodies my mother sent me for valentine's day. all is well when you have a gnome and some cookie dough right?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


don't want to do anything;
having the energy to do everything.

too warm;
too cold.

so much to do;
on pinterest.

too tired to move;
can't stop wiggling.

trying to read;
thinking about crafting.

highlighting my study guide
turned into coloring a picture.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

i hate me...

i woke up early again this sunday to head to my church to hang out with the kids. we had a full group meeting before the kids started getting there so i had longer to wake up. once the children started getting there, i was wide awake and full of energy. i started playing with the kids and coloring and chatting with them.

after a while, a little girl showed up to the class and started coloring. there was nothing extremely different  about her to make her stand out or anything until i looked at her paper on which she had written "i hate me" all over it. my heart sank in my chest. my second reaction (after sadness) was ask the teacher Kim if this little girl was prone to seeking attention. as soon as the question came out of my mouth i was angry with myself for asking. why should it matter whether or not she sought attention a lot? too many children go day in and day out with hardly anyone paying attention to them or praising them for their achievements and victories; some of those children seek attention from others in healthy ways, others in unhealthy ways, and still others don't seek attention at all. does that mean that any of them are any less deserving of my attention? of course not! she might not know any other way to get people to notice her. a cry for attention is still a cry! so instead of reprimanding her or drawing attention to the things she wrote, i sat down next to her and asked her questions about her family, school, and her hobbies. during our conversations she decided that we would be "buddies." it seems like i'm starting to make a few of those. i just hope that in the hour and a half that she was with us at the stirring, she experienced God's love.

Friday, February 3, 2012

another bridge encounter

my painting
after my last class today, i meandered back to my room and didn't know what to do with myself. you know you've spent too much time on pinterest and facebook when there is nothing new, so i put my watercolors, painting journal, and water can in my backpack and headed to the sundial bridge.

when i got there, a woman in her late forties was sitting at my favorite table, and my favorite bench was in the way of her view of the bridge. i asked her if it would be a problem if i sat there, to which she replied that she didn't mind. after sketching the bridge for maybe ten minutes, i heard a voice from behind me ask, "are you drawing too?" when i told her that i was we showed each other our art work. as we talked, i got to share with her about my passion for foster care and the experiences that led me to where i am now. she was encouraged by my authenticity and faith, and began to tell me some of her story too, about her children and the divorce she was in the middle of. before she left, i shared with her that God is moving in this city and that i would be praying for her and her family.

i returned to my painting, feeling blessed by the interaction. shortly thereafter, a younger woman asked me to take a picture of her so she could send it to her family. she had just moved here from florida. although, we didn't talk that much, it was neat to get to welcome her to the city i've grown to love and call my own.

i went back to my work and thanked God for the encounters at the bridge that He continues to orchestrate, allowing me to show and be shown His love.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

you've memorized me

i've always struggled with the thought that no one knows my full story, and no one ever will. my heart is too complex, my past too faded, and my dreams to abstract for anyone to fully understand. i know that this is true for everyone - no one has one person who knows everything about them (no matter what they say about their best friend or significant other) - but the part i struggled with the most was that, in my mind anyway, most everyone else had parents at least who have been there for their whole lives and seen them grow up. i am cognitively aware that this is not really true; though emotionally, i haven't quite caught up to that realization yet.

today i was reminded that i do have someone who knows me through and through. God has known me since before i was born; he understands my past and how it affects my passions for the future; he's seen me grow up and know those darkest parts of my life that no one else will ever fully understand; he also knows those little places in my heart of hearts that are so full of love and life despite what i've been through that others look at and cannot explain. he knows me. he's memorized me. he knows every detail of my life and he doesn't miss a thing! he rejoices in my daily victories that go unnoticed by others and wipes away the tears of my soul that only he sees while others see laughter. my God is so good. 

you know me - bethel loft sessions - steffany frizell

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

meeting a tiny me

Sundial, Oh Sundial! how lovely you are to me!
on Sunday, i was kind of bummed, even though Lexi was here visiting and i got to work with the kids that morning and the weather was great, i was still naturally, i grabbed Lexi, glori, and Emily and traveled off to the Sundial. as we drove around the corner and the bridge came into view, i felt my heart growing lighter, and as we walked across the bridge i imaged myself throwing what was bothering me off the edge until it splashed into the water and was swiftly carried away by the current. when i had done this, i was still lighter than before, but still some of the gloominess lingered. then we heard it, the loveliest sound rising up from under the bridge - someone was singing and we recognized the song. secretly i hoped that it was Hillary Dodson, but when the voice came into view we realized it was multiple voices singing what we deemed "Jesus music" that we were all familiar with since we sang those same songs at church and chapel. their voices made the space seem all the more lovely, as we danced and played near the water's edge.

after a while, we sat down by one of the walkways as we continued to listen to the music, and this little girl and her dog approached us. she was tall for her age and kind of lanky. she wore only shades of blue and had shoulder length blonde hair with bangs that went all the way across. when we made eye contact, she looked at me and i smiled as she said, "the music is nice. do you think they are their own songs?" we explained to her that they were songs from one of the local churches. i don't remember how the conversation progressed, but she sat down with us, took off her sweatshirt and wrapped it around her dog and began to tell us about all of her pets and how she had some goats at home and how she loved the sundial and that her birthday was the 23rd of January and she had just turned 9. i told her about how i had a goat when i was a little younger than her and how i loved the sundial and my birthday was the 22nd and i had just turned 20. according to Emily, she even pronounced her words the same way i do. i told her that we were twins separated at birth by 11years and 1 day, which she thought was funny. after a little while, an older women came whom the little girl called "Ma." the little girl talked with us a while longer than told us she "should get going" before leaving to find her mom again.

she was just what i needed to brighten my day :)

Monday, January 23, 2012

birthday adventures

yup, it's that time again. i have finally put two decades behind me. to celebrate the end of my teenager years, my friends and i went to the rooster party at the stirring. the rooster party is this movement of creatives celebrating, supporting, and funding other creatives to spread the hope of Jesus. this specific rooster party gathering had art work, photography, and music. the whole thing was fun but the best party was Hunter Thompson, Hillary Dodson, and Paul Arend singing all original folky hipster music. they were so SO GOOD!

the next morning, getting to church on time was a little difficult to do since my car was plastic wrapped and written all over haha. i found a rather funny note and a pair of scissors wrapped up in the plastic. luckily, i was only 2 minutes late for my first sunday of volunteering. some of my friends thought it was weird that i started volunteering on my birthday, but the joy that those kids brought was a great, free birthday present to myself. one little girl came in with long brown hair and held herself with a certain independent confidence that i thought was familiar. when i asked her what her name was, she replied, "Camille." it took a lot for me not to laugh since i realized that i was looking at a miniature version of one of my closest friends. she decided we must be friends too, so she followed me around after that.

after church, Leeza took me out to lunch and we caught up on life. then Glori, Emily, and A took me glow in the dark mini golfing during which they revealed that they got me tickets to see the Fray when they come to town next month. we were quite the sight after that - if any song came on that we knew, we danced and sang using our clubs as microphones as we climbed all over the sets for each hole.

pretending to take the balloon
we then decided to go to cypress starbucks since it was indeed sunday. they were promoting a new blend of coffee so they had balloons all around the store. naturally, i asked the barrista at the register if he could give me one of the balloons on account of it being my birthday. he told us no because the balloons "belonged to the starbucks corporation" (psh. dumb. chad would have given me one if he had been there.)
to finish the day, i went to church one more time, then went back to my room where Leeza and Jen were waiting for me with cupcakes and hugs.

all in all a good day :)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Market/Eureka Way Starbucks

today, Emily and i decided to go to starbucks to do homework. naturally i headed to the cypress starbucks, but when we got there, it was packed tighter than Emily's luggage when she tries to take everything she owns back with her to Arizona for Christmas break. after ordering our drinks, me with my venti light iced coffee sweetened with soy milk and Emily with her venti unsweetened iced green tea, we decided to leave and go to the starbucks downtown. when we walked in, it felt like we had transported to a different town, a hipper town, where people sat in fancy lounges smoking cigarettes on the ends of long gold cigarette holders wearing all black like they just came out of a modern day audrey hepburn movie. the decor was more modern and stark with dark colored pictures of coffee beans and the coffee brewing process hanging on the neutral colored walls. most of the people there were older and reading newspapers or sitting and chatting, rather than college students with laptops and books. jazz music was playing in the background making us sit a little taller and hold ourselves with more sophistication. so of course, it made me want to blog instead of doing homework...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

sophomore year take two

i don't know how i would get by without Jesus and coffee
last semester, i decided to take fewer credits so i could get adjusted to life as an ra, because of that, i am now hitting the ground running with 18 units, 3 days of 8 o'clock classes, and a crazy awesome floor of girls to love and support. the first few weeks have been worse than easy. my driver side mirror fell off and i needed to buy my books and i had lots of meetings with the team and my girls and had to quickly plan events and fill out applications for next year and summer and next week so i can have a job and volunteer and be productive with my life. on top of that i have interviews and stress and not much sleep and great conversations and lots and lots of laughter. its been a lot, but i love it! call me crazy, but i love every moment of my super busy hardly any time to sit down life! plus today i added one more thing to my lovely schedule: Stirring Kids :) starting this Sunday, i get to help out with the 2nd-5th graders.  SO excited! well, got to run :)

Sunday, January 15, 2012


this sunday marked the fifth year anniversary of my home church, the Stirring. i've been going there for a little over a year, and have been blessed by the community each week. the service was truly a celebration with singing and dancing to God, we even toasted with apple cider toward the end of the service. the room was so thick with the presence of God, everyone celebrating the freedom we have in Him to be who He created us to be and to enjoy the journey. so much JOY!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

lists...i hate not finishing them

i like to make lists. theykeep me organized and on track so i don't forget what i want to do. they also relieve some stress because i don't have to keep thinking about everything i have to do and clogging up valuable brain power with remembering it all. when i write a list i can focus on one thing at a time and trust that everything else is also written down and i will get to it when i'm through with what i'm doing at the time. often times, i color code my lists to show what is of the highest priority and what won't take me that long to do. that way, if i have something that's due in 2 days but won't take me too long, i might do it before starting a project that will take me a few hours but is due tomorrow. i also have lists that are not as deadline-ish such as a list of movies that i'd eventually like to own or a list of my favorite names. over break, i made a list of all the things i wanted to accomplish:
  • finish making christmas gifts
    • for family
    • for friends at school
  • watch the first four seasons of NCIS
  • watch at least 2 seasons of Bones
  • finish the first Harry Potter Book
  • sew my boot leg pants into skinny jeans
  • fix up an old dress
  • finish crocheting at least half of my blanket
  • make cute decorations out of martinelli's bottles
  • be super crafty!
  • go to mount hermon
  • go to coffee to the people in SF
  • hang out and catch up with high school friends
  • get my laptop fixed
  • get car fixed
  • sleep
unfortunately, this list was a little bit of wishful thinking. there was no way that i would get all of this done and enjoy the spontinaity that is break; so...i sort of trashed it and now looking back...i'm glad i did :)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

dentist and me...not my favorite combination

i always feel like my teeth went through a brutal beating after going to the dentist. i don't have a fear of the dentist or anything like that (thank goodness) but i do hate it with a passion as deep as an olympic diving pool. first of all, i have to wake up at 8 in order to get there by 9:30; not really what i want to be doing for my last few days of break but i guess i can live with that. but then i get there, 10 minutes eary, and i have to wait for another 30 minutes before they finally call my name.

once i'm sitting there in the chair, the hygenist turns on the blinding bright overhead light and shines it right in my eyes forcing them shut. then she proceeds to ask me questions while she scraps and scraps at my teeth with her evil instruments of emotional torture, you see, the scrapping doesn't actually hurt - no it's much worse - it makes the worst scratching sound you've ever heard and it follows you all the way through your body until you are sure that your brain has turned to mush. oh! then theres the whole "let me squirt this water at your teeth that inevitably sprays off and lands all over my face! don't even get me started on the X-rays. when they say that they stopped using the cardboard film and moved to plastic because cardboard tasted funny, i laugh! of course that is utter rubbish! the plastic film hurts so much more. anyway, this time i didn't have to get X-rays, and when the hygenist told me this glorious news, i'm sure i heard the angels singing.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

recent obsession

so i was one of those kids in junior high and high school who wasn't allowed to read the Harry Potter books or watch the movies. my aunt and uncle thought that i wouldn't be able to seperate fiction about magic from the real witchcraft that happens today (although oddly enough i was allowed to watch NCIS and all 3 CSI series...). anyway, i did what any good kid would do; i convinced myself that they were dumb so that i wouldn't feel like i missed out on anything.

as i grew older, i had more and more friends tell me how great the series was. not did they believe that the plot line was interesting, but, acording to them, JK Rowling was a wonderful writer. somewhere in a corner of my heart i wished that i could delve into this fascinating world of Hogwarts with witches and wizards and some game called quiditch, where hats talked and professors where evil and then they were good and then they were evil again. but i suppressed the desire so as not to torture myself with something just beyond my reach.

now, i'm in college and my dear friend Amy discovered that i was one of the sadly deprived children who did not grow up with Harry and Ron and Hermionie. terribly bothered by this travisty, she did what any good friend would do and lent me here first two books promising to lend me the others once i was finished with these.

Christmas break rolled around and i finally decided to take the first book off my shelf. foolishly, i left the other behind thinking that i probably wouldn't finish the first one. it sat in my backpack for a few days until i was tired of NCIS re-runs and started reading the book after dinner. by 2 that morning i was half way through, fully submerged in the lives of 3 eleven year olds and their attempts to save Hogwarts and their world from the dark evils of You-Know-Who. by the next afternoon, i was done with the book and it was the beginning of break. i still had two weeks to go before being reunited with my new friends. i seem to be making Harry Potter connections to everything and wishing endlessly for a snowy white owl to name Hedwig (or maybe a kitten at least).

perhaps i was a little deprived from the wonders of JK Rowlings great stories, but i can't get enough! was it worth it??? who knows.

maybe just a little bit jealous...just a little

waking up late; staying up...not that late

i've probably slept more in the past two and a half weeks than i have all semester. sometime around midnight, i start to feel tired and generally bored of everything that i'm doing, so obviously, i go to bed. but midnight, in all actuality, isn't that late; so i should be able to hop out of bed the next morning around nine or ten and be fully rested with well over eight hours of sleep...then how come i keep sleeping in until two in the afternoon!??!?

if i had a pillow pet, i would want an owl
today i had to wrench myself from my bed, fighting an internal battle of do i get up? can't i just lay here? i have nothing planned to do all day, why not sleep? as i was just about to roll over and give in to the warmth and apathy of my pillow, my dentist called to confirm and appointment for the next morning. it was set for nine thirty in the morning. if i wanted to be able to wake up at eight tomorrow, i was going to have to wake up at ten today. so here i am typing away because i figure using my brain to make words and sentences will engaged it just enough to stay awake...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

welcome 2012 - you've got nothing i can't handle

i've never really though that the new year was that big of a deal. yes we were starting something new and many people find it a great time to recommit to goals that had fallen to the wayside during the year pervious. but for me, i'd never gone to parties or had some great epiphany of things i needed to change in my life. generally, if i find something that needs to be changed then i change it no matter what the date is. in year's past i'd always been dissapointed when i'd try to stay up to watch the ball drop. it always dropped so slowly and i wasn't actually there to experience the confetti everywhere so what really was the point? then there's the rose bowl parade. i've always liked that, but now that i'm older i never wake up in time for it.

this isn't everyone from new year's, but it's the only group shot i have
this year, though, this year was different. new year's eve rolled around and my friend Ollie came and picked me up before we headed to mount hermon to join the rest of our day camp family. almost everyone from this last summer was there. we were missing Sassy, Breck, Hooligan, and Frogger. we even had Fender there from two summers ago. we didn't necessarily do anything wonderful or extravagant, we just spent time together and caught up on each other's lives while playing cards and taking walks and going to capitola. it was so so good to be with everyone again and remember what is really important.

this past year, there were some hard things that i had to deal with; things that left me emotionally drained and exhausted, but above all of that, i have a family who loves me and whom i love. they are from all over - school, the bay, camp - and although they may not all be close by (most of them have never even met each other) i love them all the same and would do anything for them. i know that they will be there when this next year brings it's challenges, and i will be there for them too. a good portion of my family was there with me at the start of this new year; i can't think of a better way to celebrate.