Thursday, July 5, 2012

July 6th 2010

this is the first time i've been alone during the Fourth of July week. last year, i was at camp distracted by an amazing group of fifth and sixth grade campers and finally concurring the disco grove ropes course. the year before that, i was also at camp surrounded by a support system of new friends and campers, keeping myself busy so that i could bury my feelings and avoid the fact that my grandpa had just died. but this year...this year i'm in redding with not much to do except bake pies. often times, i find myself thinking about my grandpa while i'm rolling out crusts or mixing the dough; my job is sometimes mindless, which leaves me alone with my thoughts. on top of that, my roommate has been gone this week visiting her brother, so i have little distraction at home. for the first time, the thought that i'd never see Grandpa again, that i'd never hug him again, that i'd never get to sing the doxology with him again (at least not on this earth) -- it's all finally hitting me...

my grandparents have taught me a lot about what it means to be strong. when i lived with them in the first grade, i remember kneeling by Teddy's bed to pray with my grandma and grandpa before we went to sleep. Grandpa would always pray the longest, praying for the missionaries our church supported, for friends who were sick, for people who didn't know Jesus, and most importantly for his family. he taught me to be neat and organized, how to fold my clothes and make my bed without any wrinkles. he taught me the importance of hard work and efficiency without compromising quality. he taught me how to plant flowers and rake leaves with a joyful spirit even if i get sunburned. he taught me that when i fall down, i just need to get up and "rub a little dirt in it" because i'll be okay. when people were rude, he taught me to be kind and polite to everyone without letting them take advantage of me. when challenges arose, he taught me how to be loyal to those that i love even when i don't feel like it. most importantly, he taught me to always wear a smile because God has blessed me way beyond anything i could ever earn and if i asked Him, He would bless me even more!

i miss him so much,
and sometimes i wonder if loving someone is worth the pain that results in losing them...

it is.

it truly, truly is.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

glowing mason jars

i've seen a lot of pictures recently of people either buying solar lights, taking them apart, and using them in mason jars, or people using twinkle lights to light up their jars. i've always loved the look of mason jars as lighting, but both of those options would mean me putting out some money in order to make them look good; so instead, i decided to look through my craft box. under the paper flowers and bottles of glitter, i found a bottle of glow-in-the-dark paint. hmmmm....

mason jars
glow-in-the-dark paint
strips of fabric
burlap and lace

the result: low cost lighting

first: take clean mason jars of varying sizes and designs.
using a typical paint brush, paint the inside of the jars with glow-in-the-dark paint.
for best results, use more paint on the bottom and gradually use less and less as you paint up the sides of the jar.

next: use scraps of fabric, twine, burlap, and lace to decorate the jars. i often like to mix the textures of burlap and lace.

you can choose to give the jars a colored tint using food coloring and mod podge on the outside of the jars. the tinting won't really change the glow, but will give the jar a cool color during the day.

then you just set them outside, let them soak in some light, and wait for it to get dark.
sorry, i don't have a good picture of them camera isn't that great.

inconsistancy: theme of my life right now

alright, so i haven't been doing the best job at posting much this summer, mostly because i've been doing a lot of writing on the side. i know i know, why aren't i sharing it??? well mostly because i'm not ready yet, but someday in the future (whether that be in the next few month or in the next few years) i will be ready to share it, and it will be a wonderfully healing experience for hopefully not just me (but if it is only for me, that would be ok too i guess). anyway, with that in mind, my blog might be all over the place the next couple months. sometimes, there might be posts that make a lot of sense and are thought provoking. other times, there will be post, like this one, that you have to chew on and squint at in order to understand what i'm saying not because it's profound (that rarely happens) but because it's poorly written. hopefully most of the time, there will be posts like the next one about crafty things i'm doing or yummy things i'm eating. goes.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

trying to convince my emotions...

this summer feels like it's going by so slow; i mean so much has happened that i feel like it should be at the very least half over, but honestly, it's just beginning. i guess i should be excited knowing that although this past month and a half has been full of crazy surprises, wonderful accomplishments, and weird changes, and that i still have two and a half months left to go; who knows what wonderfully crazy weird things are going to happen then!? but recently, i've been missing the familiarity of knowing exactly what summer is going to look like before it ever happens. i mean obviously at camp i was continually surprised by what God was teaching me and my campers, but for the most part, i felt like i knew how He was teaching me: through speakers, campers, fellow counselors. now it's all up in the air, i'm still growing through the influence of my friends and my church, but also through not knowing what's coming next. i have been surprised more and more by the ways in which God has empowered me this summer to truly trust in Him and gain confidence in His protection and my abilities. as much as i miss camp...i know i'm exactly where God wants me to be.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

i love that lamp!

i walk in the door and everything looks exactly the same. the lounge chair to the left of the entryway, my two favorite antique lamps sitting on either side and the same grey blue blanket covering up the stains from years of eating dinner in front of the television. the china cabinet in the corner holding all the same tea cups and trinkets on the shelves with an extra layer of dust. on the wall hang my great grandmother's acrylic paintings of seasides framed by thick large frames with intricate twisting patterns painted gold and silver to look like fancy metal. the smallest one is my favorite; white blue waves crash up against the rocks in the golden sunlight of the sunrise. i think it's my favorite because of the promise in the waves; they look so young, if that is possible, with the morning barely dawning the day so new and golden with hope. i love the sunrise and i love the ocean. i also really love flowers, those are probably the only thing that has changed; though not much. my uncle plants new vegetables and flowers in his garden every spring; so since they are always new, they haven't really changed either. one thing did change: my room. the ceiling had caved in or something like that in one of the corners so everything is all moved around and piled on top of each other. i can barely walk in it, which is fine, but at the same time, i don't know where anything is and can't get to the things i really wanted to take home with me. i guess that's why i feel so weird. nothing has changed, and yet, everything has changed. i don't live here any more. i haven't lived here for two years. i'm older, more mature, independent; and although i still look pretty much the same, there is a new feeling within me, one that tells me every second that i am not the person i once was -- but this place, my surroundings, they're trying to tell me that that feeling is a lie, that i haven't changed at all, just as it hasn't changed. then i walk into my room, everything in disarray (much like my life in this season), and i am reassured that i have grown.

Monday, May 7, 2012


i moved in to my new home last tuesday, and as of tomorrow i will have been its resident for a full week. so far, i enjoy the changes. the room feels bigger because of its layout and sitting outside has become my new favorite pass time. i've conjured up so many ideas of how to make this new space feel more and more like home for Camille and i. most recently, i've decided to start a small garden outside our window with sunflowers and african gerber daisies growing inside a pyramid of cinder blocks. unfortunately the cinder blocks that used to be outside in the parking lot have disappeared...but hopefully i'll find some on the side of the road or something otherwise i have no idea where to get some. i have also thought about making a garden out of a pallet; though, the same problem arises: i have no idea where i'd get a pallet from! well, i'll keep looking and keep you updated because there's no way i'm giving up on having a garden.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

move in day

last night was my first night in my new home. i will be living in one room for a full year! weird. after a wonderful, amazing, challenging school year the time finally came to move into measell; luckily, Camille and i were placed in the same room that we will be in for the next school year as well as this summer, which means that we won't have to move again until next may! i have a couple of battle scars and bruises from moving things back and forth and trying to get all my cleaning done; but, with Leeza and Edgar's help, everything got moved without breaking a single glass jar or losing any clothes.